To the folks who are now in charge of my cat’s well being, I congratulate you on your acquisition. She is by far the best cat in all the land and she will show you a love the likes of which you have never seen. My father and brother probably told you this already and they’ve probably given you a brief rundown of what to expect from her. But I’m betting they left out a few important details. So allow me to fill in the blanks.

She will fucking destroy you and everything you hold dear.

My cat was probably introduced to you as Gigunda Jones. She is more accurately known as Gigunda the Destroyer Jones. The Spanish call her El Diablo Gato. The Germans refer to her as Die Endlösung. The Norse simply call her Ragnarök. She goes by many names but you will simply remember her as the reason you hear screaming from the other room. She will be what makes sure you don’t die of cancer. She will be the rationale behind your life insurance costs. Your cat allergies will seem like the sniffles before her iron paw. You are not prepared.

Some people try to teach their pets tricks. Gigunda only knows one: sweep the leg. She lives a life of battle and walks a path soaked in blood. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, the cat knocked curiosity to the ground and stabbed it in the heart with its own jawbone. One time someone thought it would be cute to have her chase a laser pointer. Gigunda used that pointer to draw an imaginary chalk outline around that person’s corpse.

Fuck it here’s a bunch of Chuck Norris facts with Gigunda instead.

  • Gigunda counted to infinity – twice.
  • Gigunda does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Gigunda goes killing.
  • If you can see Gigunda, she can see you. If you can’t see Gigunda you may be only seconds away from death.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Gigunda.
  • Gigunda built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Gigunda met all three bullets with her paws, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  • Gigunda has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • Gigunda is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the cat ate a fucking Indian.
  • The chief export of Gigunda is pain.
  • Gigunda once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
  • Gigunda’s iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
  • Gigunda knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
  • Gigunda once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.
  • Gigunda ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Gigunda always has sex on the first date. Always.