Some say it’s a myth, others say it’s a housewife. I say it’s the winds giving us messages from the future. And there are seven of those things so listen up!

The mystical shaman was born during the Dance of the Laughing Fire in the year 5. It was the largest gathering of Indians who wanted to fuck each other to date. And fuck they did. Piles of red skinned naked people writhing around a fire bigger than God. The impassioned blaze cackled in the night under a moon that wished it could look away. But it could not. Fate happened this day and god damn it moon you’re going to watch. You’ll watch and you’ll take notes for tonight a soothsayer is being pounded into existence.

The camp was soaked in the sweat and various juices of many Indians. All of it fertilizer for the sacred ground that played host to a Native American orgy. The oldest and wisest among them stepped forward, remembering an ancient warning passed down from the beginning of time.

“Hey guys, I don’t think we were supposed to fuck here”

In their native tongue, it probably sounded more like “Tanka ta tanka corn hammer”

Just then the fire flared up and outward. Every Indian there was engulfed in flames as the fire took the shape of a fierce tornado. Charred Indian remains swirling in the flaming vortex as they were thrown to the ground, to the point where fire met earth. The fire died out and where the burnt to death Indians once were is now a baby. “Oh yeah, that’s what happens” spoke the elder, the sole survivor of an out of control fire tornado. He approached the infant and stood in awe. “What do we call you, the product of a fire and 96 fuck drunk Indians?” he pondered. The elder picked up the baby and held it to the moon, bathing it in the lunar glow. “Manbearpig. That will be your name.”

And so a speaker of future happening was born. Like a hobo fucked up on PCP, Manbearpig wandered the land performing many feats of brain thinking. Predicting fetal gender, handing out winning lottery numbers, something about a ghost Indian, more baby stuff, the list goes on.

When the winds blow on your face know this: Manbearpig just gave you a great big hug and will soon come into your home to yell at you. You better say hello.

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